Clarity & Wombats.

I have always known my greatest battle. As uncomfortable as it is to admit your truths and faults, I have always known. I have in the past ignored and hidden it, kidded myself of my understanding of it, and even pretended the impossibility of it's existence. But I know it’s shape, it’s colour and it’s stench. I know it’s habits, it’s size, it’s moods.

Vision.

The clear, uncut, honest vision of how things are.  For what they really are. To feel, see and know how things are, not just what I feel I need or want them to be. 

When I am dancing, I see nothing but the greatest of purity. I am free from any thought that may hinder me, free from pain, free from annoyance, free from writers block, free from every ghost of unnecessary consideration. I am the most myself in these instants, and the few moments of come down that follow immediately afterwards. I feel the same when I am writing, as I am now. Even now, as I type, I feel a glorious sense of clarity that feeds every hunger within me, and brings to light every thought within my mind. As such, vision is my greatest accomplice. What moments bring clarity to you? When do you feel the most clear of mind in your days?

As an artist, I have certain skill sets that allow me to see many elements of this world. As I travel on the subway here in New York, I often become consumed by small details such as the design of the seating, or the mannerisms of the people around me, I imagine, I envision, I get lost in my mind. Even after shows, during photo opportunity time with the audience, I have had to be gently scolded by my dancing peers for evidently going off into my own world and losing the fixed stage smile for a few moments that we are paid to display. In those unreachable moments of Helen, I am creating and exploring ideas that are flowing through me. Provoked by the simplest of things. It could be an interaction between audience members, or even the lighting arrangement of the stage itself. But whatever it is, my mind is inexplicably sent wandering away into realms of vision that cannot be seen from the outside of my body.

But these are just moments of my time. They are not all the time. And as much as I would love to, I cannot dance and write constantly. I also have to go to work, apply show make up, warm up, and earn the money I am paid for. I have to do my laundry at the decidedly decrepit Laundromat in Harlem, next to the circus tent here in the city. I have social interactions and occasions to be mindful of, and present within. This is life. And it is the life that I happily live. But in these living hours away from my artistic outlets, this is where my vision tends to gets a little blurred.

I know what I stand for. I know these things now more than ever before. Yet when I do not have time to write or dance to recover myself, I know I can become guided by the feelings of others, concern for popular opinion, or even nurturing relations with people that really do not serve me well. I find myself irritated with only myself, for falling into traps. Traps such as allowing social interactions to play out that I do not agree with. Or shying away from confrontation because in those specific heated moments I lose my vision and therefore my voice. When presented with an uncomfortable view or sound, I retreat into the glorious ease of glossing things and avoiding what I know to be right for myself. It doesn’t happen often. But often enough, that I have had enough of it. 

I applaud the likes of Susannah Conway, who writes the most beautiful books and blogs about freedom of the heart. I admire my best friend Katie, also a talented artist and writer, for knowing herself so fully and presenting exactly who she is to whatever world she finds around her each day. I admire the very pre-judged Emma Watson who recently eloquently and so very accurately presented her stand on feminism to the UN. These are all examples of humans with healthy utilization of their voice. They are differing in their styles and opinions. Yet they are united in their evident clarity of vision.

I admire and promote strength and clarity of perspective. Yet still, I occasionally slip into environments and ways of being that do not feed me well. My time with the people who know me best is akin to the feeling of eating an avocado, in blissful enjoyment of its ability to nourish. But what of those persons that do not provide goodness for you in your life? What of those activities that do not serve well? What of those?

In the past week I have faced some particularly challenging circumstances that have forced me to evaluate my position within life. I have been challenged to consider my value, and perhaps where I might have made mistakes. It is a process I have been through previously, and perhaps one I needed to revisit more recently in order to know I was on the right path. It’s ok to take time to evaluate things and to really see things as they are. My artistic love for the world gives me great clarity and the purest of vision for so much. But I am learning to balance this with realistic 'here and now' eyesight of who I am being, where I am, and how things are around me. In this way, I am learning to connect every area of the contents of my cranium together with all I feel inside of my chest. 

Whilst typing a text message to my mother this morning, telling her what kind of a woman I felt I was today, I accidentally typed ‘I am a calm and very happy wombat’! Albeit a typo, after reading it back with those all-important double ticks telling me that she had read the message, I laughed to myself. Perhaps it is one of the most accurate messages I have sent out to the world in a little while! But the key element to that instant was that I was laughing at myself. I laughed. I did not falter. I knew in that moment I had my correct vision. Woman, or wombat, I am calm, steady, and with the clearest mind I have had in a long time.

To clarity, and every wombat who seeks it.

Helen Victoria

X.