Thursday 5 June 2014

Buttered Mash


Hot fresh toast, with pools of golden butter pooling in every crevice. 

Cool, creamy yoghurt topped with a flurry of fruits and a slathering of honey.

Gooey, rich, deliciously dark chocolate fudge cake…the kind that falls heavily to its side when nudged on to your plate.

Crisp skinned peaches that snap upon puncture of their surface, before a cascade of juicy yellow flesh riots the inside of your mouth, and out and over your chin.

Potatoes. Roasted, buttered, mashed, with garlic, crushed, fried….always potatoes.

What’s your comfort food? Do you have one? What do you reach for in times of hunger, discomfort, or even boredom?

I was the child that ate all her dinner, and happily finished anyone’s leftovers. My Dad, to my utter embarrassment, would laughingly call me ‘the girl with hollow legs’ upon picking me up from teatimes at friend’s houses as their parents exclaimed at how much I had eaten. Unsurprisingly, as years passed, I gradually gained a little ‘puppy fat’ as it was kindly termed to me. As a developing teenager, the extra inches of skin did not go unnoticed. As many do, I began to compare myself to my peers, whilst tugging down my tops and shirts to cover myself just that little bit more.

As a young adult, I discovered dance and began to naturally lose the extra layers. To my delight, hip bones started to emerge. My limbs became leaner. I had cheekbones! Suddenly people were complimenting me on my figure. I fitted clothes I never could before, and actually liked how I felt in them. I began to notice what I was feeding myself with. My mother eats very organically, and is on the whole a vegetarian. I picked up on her healthy eating habits, which only sped up my new weight loss abilities. Because that is exactly how I had come to see them – as abilities.

As I moved through my late teenage years and very early twenties, my control over my food became more specific. I began to see food as something to consider before committing to union with it. I ‘deleted’ certain foods from my diet, and began to enjoy being hungry, knowing it was helping me to lose more weight. Within the negative relationship I was entangled in, he and I both learnt to use food as a form of control over me. Food became both my weapon and my shield, all at once. 

When I came away from that situation, I began a process of carefully rebuilding, replacing and renovating my life. A long process of finding out who and how I wanted to be started to unfurl, and with it came decisions as to what I did and did not find acceptable any longer. One of these was my relationship with eating. It had gone on long enough. My hair was falling out, I was tired, and I’d had enough. Years of habitual control blockaded my efforts. But I refused to relent, and instead encouraged myself to appreciate the food I was given by whoever it was that had been kind enough to share foods with me. On the days and nights when the battle defeated me, I would go and listen to music to calm myself, or go for long dancing sessions alone to soothe my mind before getting back on the horse. It wasn’t instant. It took time. But time was what I had. And what I still have.

The term ‘eating disorder’ is a very ambiguous term in my opinion. I believe, similarly to mental health ‘disorders’ that we all have certain controls and habits in the way we eat and how we eat. It might be that someone struggles to eat vegetables after a childhood of being forced to. Or a person may be a little fussier than another person. Or perhaps someone else uses chocolate to self medicate their emotional injuries.  I am not proud of my battle with eating. But it happened. And without that journey I would not be speaking as I am now, as who I am now. I am now not only happy in my life, but happier than I ever thought was possible. Much of this is due to these processes of self examination, combined with being so fortunate to have the love and support available to me unendingly from my remarkable family and friends. The link between the two has not gone unnoticed. 

This week I broke down one of my last barriers, and ate some barbequed meat at one of the wonderful 'social sunday' BBQ's held at the circus. This might seem a meager effort! But for me, it was one of the last moments of letting go. I was surrounded by kind hearts and gently encouraged, with no fanfare, to simply try some. As I sank my teeth into the food I had been given, I literally felt my body relax. As if it was a long knotted tension I hadn’t realised I was maintaining that just fell away. After I had finished eating I sat for a little while, and just took in the moment. I looked around at my friends, who were chatting, laughing and enjoying the evening and I let it all wash over me, without the need to limit or control what I was feeling. This, intrinsically, is how and why I could let go in the way that I did.

In the last few days I have spent some time talking with some of my very good friends here at the circus about their favourite foods, how they like to eat, and what meals are important to them. My ears were filled with tales of home cooked dinners, family traditions, and culinary habits. I heard of childhood sugar canes, roast dinners, varying soups for the sick, and so many flavours of ice-cream that I lost track! One dear friend of mine told me all about ‘the fish dish’ which is her mother’s speciality. Provided as a pure communication of love and care, my friend’s mother cooks it for her every time she comes home from a contract, or even just because. Mainly made up of garlic, salty oils, potatoes and fresh fish, the dish was described to me as it being, ‘like you’re wrapped up in a sleeping bag, eating it warm and all at once’. To me, her words spoke volumes of the love that was contained within the meal, more than even the taste experience itself. Her dialogue was filled with nostalgia, and without even tasting the meal I could feel the good intentions and warmth of it. It filled me for the rest of that evening, in fact. 

I want Liberty’s to be a place where anyone can feel warmth such as this. I want the souls who walk through its doors to be nourished and filled as much as they need or want to be. I want it to be an environment where any individual may walk in and feel comfortable to eat or not eat whatever they want or need to. To say whatever they want, even if that is nothing. I vow to make it a place where everyone is welcome regardless of whatever is unfolding for them outside of its doors in their lives and minds. Just as I have been so fortunate to have found some time and spaces in my life where I can be free to be all of who I am, I absolutely vow to provide spaces for others to do the very same in the Liberty’s Arts & Wellness Centre of our future. There will be a space for you. Numerous spaces. Spaces with potential. Rooms filled with 'fish dish' warmth. 

Go well today. Take joy in your mouthfuls, conversations and movements. Hear all that is around you. 

To the journey.

Helen Victoria
X.