"In the past 2 months, I have been on a tour of various cities. I started off with London as a base point, before moving on to Leeds, before flying further afield to Geneva, Meribel, Zurich, Paris...I have now arrived full circle back in Marrakech for a week of visiting old friends and haunts before my next contract commences. Details of which I will elaborate on in the near future!"
That was 2 weeks ago. I wrote that paragraph two whole weeks ago. A mere 14 days. Yet inside that time, everything has changed!
When I typed those words I was sitting comfortably on a bar stool in the Lotus Club venue watching my old show play out as I sat typing away, champagne by my side, Carrie style. I was at that time comfortable, even a little smug, in the knowledge that I had been cast for an aerial ballet job in Zurich, Switzerland and was due to fly out within a week. The money was great, as were the conditions. I was 'sorted'. But then.
The day after starting that blog entry, I got the call to inform me that due to work permit restrictions, I had lost my job. Gone. Just like that. From one moment to the next. I put down the phone and starting falling through snow. In real time. In reality. Snow?
Classically, no good story involves describing ones own dream. Despite the apparent popularity of describing dreams, rarely is it actually an interesting story for anyone but the person telling the tale. However, despite this, I will begin with a connecting dream that I have been having on a recurring basis for the last few months - bear with me!
I am walking through sun filled, rolling mountainside. Beautiful views all around me, I feel there is nothing to fear. My heart is calm. But suddenly it's all gone. One step too far and I'm falling, uncontrollably. Falling heavily through snow. Dropping silently through layers and layers of light, white, ice particles. No full stop, no end, just baseless falling and falling. I see light above me, as clear and as distinct as if it were lamplight next to me. I can see this tunnel of light, but it's getting further and further away, with nothing I can do to stop it. I generally wake up as the snow closes in around me.
The thing is, by the nature of dreams, it isn't real. I am instantaneously aware of this as soon as I wake. For one thing, it's currently May and therefore a distinct lack of snow around! But in this real life situation of life circumstances suddenly altering, I experienced an associated feeling. In addition, a personal situation came up which I hadn't expected and which demanded my full attention to deal with. Altogether - a sudden drop. The difference being, that I have control and freedom to stop my self from falling.
Whilst in Paris, on my 25th birthday, I chose to have the word for freedom tattooed on my left wrist, in my own handwriting, running over my pulse. I chose to have it written in French, as 'Liberte'. My original inspiration for the 'Liberty's' centre I aspire to open, and the focus of this blog, I felt that I needed a visual reminder for all that I'm working on. A small, quiet reminder to refer to. Amazingly timed, for what came next.
Because everything I do now, is not for me anymore. It's for the future of Liberty's. No matter who comes knocking, or what situations present themselves, I recognise that they are all simply hurdles and obstacles to decipher how to overcome. I am not superhuman. I feel pain, I panic, I doubt. But with Liberty's in my mind as the light at the top of that snow tunnel of my dream, I know I can fight forward and do what I need to do until I can relax in the knowledge that there is a place open for others to find their strength.
I have applied for fresh jobs. I have organised some interim work, with a little help from some brilliant friends. I have made a clean, new, shiny plan - again! All within the space of a week. During that week there was an element of pressure, but that's generally what I thrive off of. With enough faith to carry me through.
And so - I leave for a new contract in India in 5 weeks time! Mumbai! In the meantime, I will be working as a hostess/waitress in Jewel, a beautiful cocktail venue in central London, as well as doing a few dance, modelling and teaching jobs before I leave. All is well. No more falling. Only when I'm sleeping - the only time that I can't work on Liberty's!
I promise I will get there. This I swear by. And from which I live.
HV.
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